After six weeks of curing, these were my walnuts. It was no surprise that curing them was by far the easiest step in the process.

Cracking the walnuts wasn’t exactly difficult, just tedious.  Black walnuts are notoriously hard and will break regular nut crackers.  Therefore, I needed a special nut cracker — a hammer and anvil.

It’s messy and takes a long time, but it’s not a bad way to spend a morning with a cup of coffee and a pipe.  I wound up having to put on a pair of safety glasses.  These things can really fly apart when they finally break.  There actually is a technique to breaking them properly.  You hit the nut pretty hard several times all the way around, then settle on the fat side and hit it harder until it cracks.  That yields some pretty large chunks.  If you do it wrong, you end up with this:

As you can see, really difficult to remove.  Breaking the shell further from this point usually results in mostly crushed pieces of nut meat.

After three hours, this is what I had.  I really like black walnuts, but about half of the nuts I cracked were spoiled from over-curing.  Shoulda cracked ‘em after five weeks, I guess.  I’m going to pitch the rest and give it a better try next year.  For a learning experience, I’m happy enough with the way it turned out.

My house has 45 walnut trees in or directly around my yard.  It’s a big yard.  I didn’t gather walnuts to sell this year, but I did gather some to keep.

This is what 800 walnuts look like.

Considering that this was maybe one quarter the production of one of my smallest trees…. yeah, I got nuts.  It took less than an hour to pick up this many nuts, and that was even being picky about getting only the best ones.

Next I had to hull them.  I dumped them onto my driveway and rolled them underfoot until they came out, then kicked the nut into one pile and the hull into another.  This was a surprisingly fatiguing chore, and I wound up doing only about 300 before I quit.  This part took two hours.

Very messy.

Next you have to clean the walnuts.  This could have taken forever.  I cleaned them with a wire brush and water.  You put them in a bucket and if they float, they’re bad.  The first two I did I cleaned really well, tossed them in the bucket, and — they floated.  After that I didn’t clean them as much.

This water is still healthier than Mountain Dew.

Next you lay them out to dry in the sun (and wind, today) for a couple of hours.

You can click these pictures for larger versions, but in this case I'm not sure why you'd want to.

After they dried, I put them in the barn to cure.  You can eat them now, but they will be rubbery and kinda gross.  In about four weeks’ time they will firm up and get the flavor they’re supposed to have — at least I hope so.  This was more work than I envisioned, so it had better be worth it.  Right now the other 500 walnuts I gathered are still in those bags, and I probably won’t bother to hull and clean them unless I learn about a quicker method for doing so.

Of course, walnut juice stains everything it touches.  I didn’t really care about it staining my fingers, and it shows.

Walnut fingers.

Aaah, yes…. getting hungry.

Eventually, I got it out.  So I bought new nuts and bolts, got them tightened down, and the saga ended.  I think it looks pretty cool, and it’s way more comfortable than the stock bars.

A few weeks ago, a blog I subscribe to ran an article detailing how to make your own biosphere.  I knew this was a project I would enjoy.  I’ve tried houseplants, and I invariably kill them.  This would work well, because I knew it would hold my attention for an entire afternoon, then once I sealed up the biosphere it would never require my attention again.  It should be totally self-sustaining.  I can enjoy it as I please and ignore it the rest of the time.

I needed a bottle, so I bought some vodka and drank it all in one night found this one somewhere.  I thought it would be kind of funny to use a liquor bottle.  I went to the pet store and got the critters — 3 snails and a ghost shrimp named Alfie — and went to the pond for some sludge, water, and (hopefully), some tiny creatures called amphipods, copepods, and ostracods.  I also bought a couple little plants to live inside.  When I got home I put it all together with some small rocks I got from Lake Superior.  It was fun.  I did it all last night.

So, do you know how much Alfie the ghost shrimp cost?  Thirty-three cents!  That’s how much his life is worth.  When I told Alfie this, he was very depressed.  I regret bringing it up with him.  I particularly regret it now, because it turns out that those were my last words to Alfie.  When I got home from work tonight, I found out that he died, only 24 hours after his new life in my biosphere began.  I don’t know if I killed him with my careless words or with my manufactured environment.  The snails seem to be fine.  The good news is, since he was only 33 cents I can afford to replace him.  I will be more careful about how I speak to the new guy.  I actually felt a little sad to find Alfie dead when I got home tonight.

I hope this biosphere makes it.  I changed several of the instructions to fit my irregular bottle, and I was supposed to use a particular kind of plant that I just couldn’t find.  Still, I have reasonably high hopes that it will work.  At least it’s fun to try.

This was my canvas, my starting point

One of my winter resolutions was to let my hair grow until 2010.  It got so long that it gave me the opportunity to try something I’ve always wanted to do: cut my own hair with scissors.  I’ve cut it with clippers several times, but there’s no risk in buzzing your hair down to one length.  With scissors, I knew the stakes were high.  Plus, there was no way I was going to pay 7 or 8 dollars (or possibly even MORE) for a haircut.  That’s crazy talk.

That's what she said

My first obstacle was scissors.  I don’t have any regular scissors, so I had to use these, which I think are called cuticle scissors.  All I know is they are small.  They are probably a big reason that cutting my hair took so long, about 45 minutes.  All in all, though, I don’t think 45 minutes is that bad, considering I had never done it before.

Now comes the exciting part.

On New Year’s Eve I got home from work and started cutting my hair.  I didn’t really know what to do, so I just figured I’d start at the top.  I grabbed a chunk and cut it.  That gave me a good start, so I cut the top and sides.  After about 15 minutes I realized that without trying, I had created something beautiful — a sweet mullet.

The mullet was truly awesome.  I looked so cool that I knew I had to keep it for at least a day.  Friday, January 1st, I went to work with a mullet, expecting laughs, smiles, and hearty claps on the back.  Fanfare.  For the most part, that’s what I got.  But all was not well.  No fewer than three people made the worst comment I could imagine: “It actually kind of suits you.”  WHAT?  I knew then that the mullet could not last.

Making a mullet look good

That night I got home and resumed work on my hair.  All that was left was the back, but that was by far the hardest part.  I didn’t have a convenient extra mirror, so I was forced to pick up a door mirror to look at the back of my head, then put it down and go by memory and feel.  Then I would pick up the mirror again to inspect my work and make any corrections.  After about 30 minutes I was able to clean up the edges with a beard trimmer and I was done.  I think I did a good job!  At work on Saturday about half the people I told about it refused to believe that I did it myself, which was quite a compliment, but also frustrating.  I honestly don’t know how it turned out so well, considering my haphazard approach, but it’s a technically perfect haircut.  I also think it looks reasonably cool and will only get better as it grows out.

All done!

Cutting my own hair was a lot of fun, and I don’t see any reason not to do so again in several months when I decide I need another haircut.

Several more photos below.  These are all clickable for larger versions, if you’re so inclined.

I was pleasantly surprised

You're right, it does look just as good from the side

I honestly feel like it toed the line between ultra stupid and ultra cool

Much tamer, but I'm not complaining

I'm not wearing a shirt because I had literally JUST finished cutting it, I swear

]]> http://www.davidbarwick.com/cutting-my-own-hair/feed/ 4 http://www.davidbarwick.com/brother-practice/ http://www.davidbarwick.com/brother-practice/#comments Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:20:44 +0000 David Barwick http://www.davidbarwick.com/?p=410

Yeah, I’m a jerk.

On August 19, my sister released into the wild a baby boy named Biff Youngblood, her first son and my first nephew.

I’m excited to be an uncle.  An uncle’s duties are very similar to a brother’s: harass, annoy, exasperate, tease, and love.  I’m a veteran with a proven track record.

Being a new uncle is not wholly glamorous, though.  The flip side is spending an entire day at the hospital, even though — thank God — you have no part in delivering the baby, and — double thank God — you had no part in creating the baby.

I don’t like hospitals.  I used to want to be a nurse, but after spending some time in hospitals I realized I wasn’t cut out for it.  Plus, just being in the same room as someone with an IV is enough to make my skin crawl.

So, pictures.

All of Brittany's reading material carried a common theme

Tyler, Brandon, and I played "I Spy" with the cars in the parking lot

Ty and Biff

Finally, Brittany as a baby, with Stephanie and me. Photo of a photo, hence the weird smudge.

El Rey was pretty good.  It would have been better if I hadn’t eaten in days, because the burrito I got was frickin’ huge.  I ate a little less than a third of it.

So now that the product pitch is over, the weirdest part of lunch was while I ate over at the little park on 4th and Main, by the Joplin Globe.  As I sat and ate, this odd fellow on an adjacent bench blatantly stared at me almost the entire time.  Twice he walked over and asked me what time it was.  It was much more humorous than it was creepy.

I also saw a crazy-looking woman pushing an empty wheelchair around the park.  She put a pack of cigarettes in it, but other than the she just kept pushing it around empty, and finally left, pushing it down the street.  I was confused.

Another thing that confused me is that a reporter came out of the Globe and walked straight to me, then asked me a question for the “Man On the Street” series, and I had literally no idea what the heck he was talking about, which made me think that perhaps it’s time I get a working television set.

The lesson of the story is that I needed a friend there to help me eat the burrito, to be someone sane to talk to, and to field random questions from reporters about things I’ve heard of.

The problem has been that it’s in Noel, which is an hour away.  The distance, and the fact that I felt like a goof for going to this thing by myself, formed a prohibitive combination.  Eventually, though, I thought “who really gives a crap,” and decided to go.  It was so worth it.

Everyone there was super friendly.  It was a small operation, but Brent, the guide, was extremely nice and knowledgeable.  I had a bunch of questions, and he gladly answered them all.  Afterward, he even told me where to find several wild caves in the area that are accessible to anyone.  I have to do that.

The tour began with an incredibly corny look at several artifacts recovered from the site.  The artifacts themselves weren’t corny, but the presentation was.  At that point, I was smiling and laughing on the inside, because I expected the cave to be kind of lame.  It was still fun, but it wasn’t that impressive.  Then we went to the “museum,” which was just a collection of a bunch of antiques and artifacts, some of which were found in the area.  I really didn’t expect anything good after seeing the museum.  There were a few cool things, though, like some Paleo Indian skulls recovered from the cave from about 7,000 years ago.

After all this hoopla we entered the cave.  Now is a good time to mention that the only people in the tour were me and one family of four.  The family included two little boys that were really cute and funny, and not at all annoying like I half expected them to be.

As soon as we got started inside the cave, I felt much better about the tour.  The cave itself was awesome.  The only other show cave I’ve been to is Marvel Cave in Silver Dollar City.  Bluff Dwellers Cavern isn’t as large or quite as grand as Marvel Cave, but in some ways it was cooler.  All the features were right there in front of me, and I got to photograph lots of cave wildlife from close enough that I could have easily touched it with my hand.  It was also nice to be in a small group instead of a crowd like in Marvel Cave.

Overall, the tour was very professional, and it took about an hour.  It was a great way to spend an afternoon, and I highly recommend it.

Caves are one of those things that you just can’t appreciate in pictures.  I took dozens, but most of them are pretty lame.  You really have to see it with your own eyes.  Here’s a cool cave salamander, though.

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